I was at MB’s house the other night. We were up really late. nearly 2am. He had gone out to the kitchen and I had slipped out to the bathroom. I peeked into the kitchen just as he was turning out that light and he hadn’t seen me. He took 2 steps and was startled to see me standing there, now in the dark. Surprised, he said “You almost got knocked out”
“I’m sorry” He said almost immediately. “I forgot, that you’ve…been…I’m sorry.”
And now I was surprised. “It’s ok.”
I honestly hadn’t even been thinking that. I knew he wasn’t actually about to hit me. I realized I had started him, unintentionally, and I knew he was just making a startled statement.
We laid back down and I couldn’t help but think about the exchange and I had the sudden realization that i wasn’t afraid of him. I wasn’t worried that he’d ever be violent with me.
I’m sure it sounds crazy.
No, I never had the notion that he would abuse me.
But you never go into a relationship thinking the other person will hurt you, physically or otherwise. I guess, after having had been in relationships like that, you always carry that caution in the back of your mind. There is always that shadow of doubt that keeps your flinch reflex active, just in case.
If you’ve ever been hit-You know what i mean.
But, as I laid there replaying the exchange in my mind I came to the realization that I wasn’t afraid of him. I KNOW he isn’t going to hurt me. I KNOW it. As surely as I know the sun will come up tomorrow and the hour will change and the sky is blue, I KNOW he will never lay a hand on me in that way. I know he will never physically hurt me out of anger.
And that realization was profound and comforting.
He is very in tuned to me. He could tell something had shifted in me and asked. I didn’t know how to respond. I tried to explain it, but I don’t think I was able to fully emphasize the magnitude of how significant this awareness was/is.
He looked me in the eye and said almost confused “I’d never hurt you”. As if the idea of him hitting me were the most bizarre thing that had ever been suggested to him. I could see a hint of concern behind the adamancy in his eyes.
I assured him all was well.
It’s all good.
And I settled back into his arms with my head on his chest.