Realization of my Damaged Self Image

I’ve just come back from the Kalvin Garrah video on how Onision is a homophobe. It’s made me realize that I’ve got a ton of issues to work on within myself. It’s been approximately two and a half years since I left upper six. I remember defining myself as questioning to a few friends and look back on how stupid I came off. Was I really? I was looking for attention, even if it was bad attention, to make me look the special snowflake I’m not. I wanted to be so different. “Haha, I know something you don’t” and the constant passive ways I made my point by having people keep me in the ppol of mysteriousness. Why’d I have a crush/ was I so intrigued by K though. Probably because we’re compatible in the but my lazy self was to prideful to even share my views. Left her in limbo for a good while and almost sabotaged her chances of qualifying for the deans list with my antics. It seriously makes me sick to my stomache especially considering that I never went to R’s funeral months after she critiqued me on my hair not growing. I’m such a sad excuse for a human being. And you know what that lead up to right? A whole list showing subjects I barely passed because I simply didn’t even try or even consider asking for help when I didn’t understant something. Why’d I even consider stealing from my college? What is wrong with me really? Well, being the show off I am I joined the fellowship to shpw the deserving christian I am when really I was so fucking bored in that college and still am knowing that what I am pursuing now os my secong choice. It’s a whole list of regrets. I don’t know what my mom sees in my dad and why she’s still with him? I get my strength but also my cowardice from her and my arrogance and narcissism from my dad which I hate. He keeps projecting. I feel so suffocated in that house.

Looking back all I really wanted was for my Form 6 class to realize that I wasn’t cleaning for the sake of attention but cleaning to save thwir reputation from the teachers and principal. Who really wants to be told, “leaders of the school can’t even keep their class clean. imaging how your husbands would feel.” 

What a class act and slap in the face to me.

But yes, learning my attachment style changed everything.  A mix between people pleaser and avoidant. I can honestly, well at this moment at least qualify at straighy but on occasion believe myself to be qiestioning from all the bad experiences I got from men from being groped, to spied on to being said that I was unfit to be a wife by my dad. Right now, to hell with getting marries. But it’s mainly to saves the asses of my non existent kids. I’ve spent far to long not pursuing what I long for and don’t wsnt to drag kids along just because I was to conforming to say no to starting a family. It makes sense now why I read that book called the secret of singleness. It’s good though being aware of how damanged you are so you don’t eisk damaging anyone else. Have I learnt? no.

What’s the point in smiling when it’s been taken away from your purity of life being soiled my constant mistrust?

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