This morning I woke up and unloaded the dishwasher, got dressed and gently picked up the living room. I sat down and thought to myself “The birds are singing, the sun is out, I am dressed! I have coffee, the love of my life (my pup) is next to me and I’m watching one of my favorite shows, today is going to be a good day.” And I smiled. Let me repeat that, I SMILED! Why does this matter? Because I have spent the last few weeks wondering if my meds are flatlining, just plain not working or if it’s just my depression/anxiety that has me stuck in a funk that I just couldn’t shake! Nothing was making me happy, not the sunshine, not the birds singing in my backyard, not my favorite shows or good food or… Anything. So my morning smile today is a BIG deal and I’m bound to celebrate it.
I opened my laptop to see the articles I was reading yesterday about finding joy and meaning, despite chronic pain. I felt comforted to read numerous articles about people who’ve been in my exact position and asking the question “How the hell do you live life happily and fulfilled when you are in so much pain, all the damn time?!” And I was inspired to read how many actually accomplish such a life! Now, if you’ve read my past posts, you know I’m not one to give up… Usually. I am a fighter. I am determined and motivated and even a little stubborn (Okay, a lot stubborn). I have focused my efforts on doctors and cures and researching how to get better and that’s led me to dead end after dead end and I’ve felt more and more discouraged, hopeless, broken, you name it. It has been heartbreaking to be honest. So as I read these articles, I read how people don’t let the pain win. They do things they love and enjoy, knowing it may lead to days, weeks or months of repercussions. Granted, we’re all very different in our situations, pain levels and what types of repercussions doing this will have, it still feels like a spark for me. What I mean is, I’m slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that I will always be in pain. I may or may not someday find a therapy/med/surgery that helps, be it a little or a lot. None the less, that isn’t the case right now and I don’t want to miss out on the days in between where I could be living and loving my life. My stubbornness might come in handy here. Because If I can hold onto this determination, maybe I have a shot at improving this life that currently has me stuck in a rut. It starts with a smile and one day at a time.
As always, wish me luck!