Not 100%

I struggle with…struggling.  I have a good life.  I could fly anywhere in the world and be allright financially.  I am really only a check or two ahead,  with a little in savings, a little in retirement, some things I could sell.  Dont own a car, or a house, I have a little savings. A check worth.

They say our brains our wired so that we will never feel rich, even  elon musk and bezos want more, scarcity complex.

5 years ago, I had no savings, no retirement, no buffer, no health benefits even.  I am at least the same health which is a win for someone at 35, so why cant I enjoy it?

What do I need to coast like you see some people do?  I guess I dont want to coast…but then what is the goal?  Ive seen people hit it.  Enough money to vacation, to provide, they dont feel rich but they feel…enough.

We all die. I am one of those morbid people who get comfort from the fact that our time is short.  I have a goal, to make an impact on workplaces, to improve peoples lives.  I want a house near nashville or columbus, south of here but not too far.  A yard to let the dog out in, work from home half the time, but an office for connection.  My wife to run a school, she thinks she cant, but I know she can.  Adopt a kid, teach them sports, grow up faster than we did, do whatever they want but decide and commit.

Yes I want a mancave with a big tv and 2 cars, live on a lake with a small boat, but they might not happen and that is ok.  If we really only live once it is disheartening to know that we did not have as much impact as we would like if we were just beautiful or charasmatic like an actor.  Born into priveledge.  But I guess the best take away is that we did the most with what we had.  Who knows if Oprah had one life moment different she would be willing to be president.  She can fool herself into thinking that she does more good as she is but she is wrong.  Could brad pitt, george clooney, not gone on a vacation and raised 10 million for a cause and didnt?  Maybe my 1000 for afsp means more in the scheme?  Id like to think so. 

I believe in God but I wonder.  I wonder if he revealed himself now what would happen?  If he said no religion is right, everyone needs to love each other or they will be punished, if he weilded the unlimited power he must have and squashed the idiots. What if he cleaned the planet, even said no one had to worship him in fact he did not like it, and just be a good person.  I can be grumpy, and I am not as helpful as I could be.  I need to live for him, and everyone else.  I am a good person, and I will go to heaven, but there have been bumps, and I need to make sure I stay there.

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