Waiting to Die?

I am so tired of feeling like I only sit around here waiting to die each day. I don’t see my life having any purpose. Yes, I could volunteer to do things around the city, but I’m kind of a stay to myself type person. Interacting with others is very hard for me. I try but all the time I’m doing the interacting, I am so very uncomfortable. I can’t figure out why I’m here. I love God and he is my greatest love. 
 I hate being married. I just wish I could run or drive very far away where no one knows me. I don’t feel like I married the right person. I have two sons that hardly care if I exist. They don’t hate me, but they don’t show a lot of love for me. I guess I made a mistake marrying this man. He seems heartless and don’t know how to show that you are special in his life. He told me once that he knew I was a slut when he met me. Why he would say something like that to me boggles my mind. I have never carried myself in such a way to make any man think I was a slut. That is the strangest and rudest thing any human has ever said to me. I DON’T LIKE THIS MAN!! He puts on this act around people as if  he is such a good man. He is a fraud!!

We had some remodeling done in our home and it was an Asian man and woman that were doing the work. He offered to help her carry some ceramic title to the restroom to her husband. I told him he would not because she is working for us. He said I was jealous. No, he was cooking at the time he asked her this. I was sitting across from the kitchen.  I heard his conversation and was amazed that he felt that he need to help this woman and this is what her and her husband do for a living. I told him he won’t even do things around the house I ask him to do and you are going to jump and want to help the hired worker because she is a woman. He told me later after these people left that he would rather be married to her than me. WHOA! That was the day my marriage ended. I live here because my house is payed for and I have tons of pets that are holding me from leaving. That is started to put a toll on my sanity. I will be figuring away to get these pets taken care of and try to move on with my life. My husband recently had throat cancer and he went through the radiation and chemotherapy. He is suppose to be cancer free now. I dealt with him through this difficulty time, but it didn’t change the way he has made me feel as a wife and person. He really needs to go on and find another life with someone that makes him happy. I can’t keep waking up each day having to be around someone that makes me feel so uncomfortable. I haven’t slept in the same room with him for over 15 years probably. I sleep good too! I lately have been looking at other places to live. I might leave the city and move back to my hometown. My sons are both in their 20’s. He doesn’t really care too much for my youngest son because he  is so much like me. My oldest son is away at college and doesn’t really know his dad like I do or his brother does. I’m retired from my profession and now I really get to see how freaking crazy this man makes me. This awareness came since he had to be home due to the cancer treatment. If I don’t hurry and move on with my life, I’m going to die for sure. My body is breaking down in so many ways from stress. I have TMJ, bone density issues in my back, plantar fasciitis, teeth grinding, weight gain, and restless legs syndrome and more. I push through each day like nothing is wrong. I’m doing this to myself. I pray for God to guide me away from this life. I’m actually slowly getting rid of my personal items without it being obvious. I’m going to stop now. I will survive or die. 

One thought on “Waiting to Die?”

  1. HI Natty. I’m praying for you. I hope you find peace in the near future.

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