Taking My Life Back.

The other day I was laying on the couch when suddenly and out of the blue I told myself “I’m going to take my life back, because Kyle is watching over me.” I have no idea where it came from but what I do know is that I walked outside and the hawk who lives in the tree by my fence and flies over my yard was there circling my house. It’s said that Hawks are symbols of protectors and being watched over. I deemed it Kyle. And I see hawks EVERYWHERE. I also know that it is time to take my life back. To forgive myself and to rise above all that has happened to me. I’ve been in therapy long enough to know this doesn’t happen overnight and there is still a long road ahead of me but I have also learned what it feels like when things are shifting. I have yet to forgive myself, to place the blame and point the anger at those truly responsible for what happened to me, on both occasions. I have always had this nagging voice that said it was my fault because I “should’ve” done this and “If only I had done that”. The voice that was telling me I did the best I could was never loud enough and simply got drowned out every time. I know now that I did the best I could. That what happened to me shouldn’t have happened and that they did, not because of my choices or actions, but because of theirs. Perhaps this feeling will only last for this very minute and ten minutes from now I will go back to hearing that it’s my fault, who knows. But in this moment, I am feeling proud of myself. I’m feeling less guilt/shame and more… Free. If only for this moment, I will know, whole heartedly, I am not to blame for what happened to me. And hopefully this is one positive moment of many to come and one day, I will find myself living this truth and only this truth. And that the voice telling me it was my fault will drown out altogether. Here’s to hope. P.s. Thank you Kyle.

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