tired.

Currently in Tokyo.
Ayato is moving out of his apartment, and we are moving into our new apartment. We’ve been buying new furniture, packing, and getting rid of some stuff. 

I feel exhausted for some reason. It wasn’t even that hard of a day yesterday. 

Whats nice is being with Ayato, finally after so many months. I love waking up next to him, holding his hand, smelling him fresh out of the shower. Having a conversation that lasts for 3 hours but feels like it was only ten minutes. I was really worried about him. I’ve been really worried about him. He struggles with depression, he struggles remembering about his past. Ever since he told me that he contemplated suicide after his grandfather’s passing I felt uneasy being away from him for so long, and so far away. And I had a nightmare that he hung himself after coming home from work one day. I woke up crying. Its hard to get him to open up about his past. Very hard. But I can’t let him swallow up all of that shit on his own. Even if it takes a long time, I have to get him to unload that shit. Or its going to eat him alive. 

Part of my decision to move to Japan wasn’t just to be with Ayato. But because I wanted to always make sure he’s going to be ok. I love him. I know he loves his friends here, they are like family to him. He doesn’t have any family left. I met a great human being, and I want to be with him forever. 

I don’t know the point of this journal. I guess sometimes its hard to unload my own thoughts, and if I write them down its like I’m taking the weight off my shoulders. To strangers who’s judgment won’t affect me. Its a comforting feeling. 

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