tired.

Currently in Tokyo.
Ayato is moving out of his apartment, and we are moving into our new apartment. We’ve been buying new furniture, packing, and getting rid of some stuff. 

I feel exhausted for some reason. It wasn’t even that hard of a day yesterday. 

Whats nice is being with Ayato, finally after so many months. I love waking up next to him, holding his hand, smelling him fresh out of the shower. Having a conversation that lasts for 3 hours but feels like it was only ten minutes. I was really worried about him. I’ve been really worried about him. He struggles with depression, he struggles remembering about his past. Ever since he told me that he contemplated suicide after his grandfather’s passing I felt uneasy being away from him for so long, and so far away. And I had a nightmare that he hung himself after coming home from work one day. I woke up crying. Its hard to get him to open up about his past. Very hard. But I can’t let him swallow up all of that shit on his own. Even if it takes a long time, I have to get him to unload that shit. Or its going to eat him alive. 

Part of my decision to move to Japan wasn’t just to be with Ayato. But because I wanted to always make sure he’s going to be ok. I love him. I know he loves his friends here, they are like family to him. He doesn’t have any family left. I met a great human being, and I want to be with him forever. 

I don’t know the point of this journal. I guess sometimes its hard to unload my own thoughts, and if I write them down its like I’m taking the weight off my shoulders. To strangers who’s judgment won’t affect me. Its a comforting feeling. 

2 thoughts on “tired.”

  1. This post feels like a summary of what u have been through in your life for the past few years and I’m really glad to favorite your journal from the beginning. Please don’t underestimate the power of journaling even though it may seem like it’s been done for your own personal benefit, but it may turned to inspire and motivates other readers like me 🙂

    Congratulations on your recent marriage! Very happy for you and the decision that u made for yourself and for your now-to-be husband! Though time heals some wounds, but love heals them all! Never stop having faith , keep assuring him and showering him all the love you have. Depression really sucks and my mother used to have Depression when she officially became a mom.

    Back then my father tried all kinds of ways and methods to keep her positive and he never stop looking for the suitable cure to heal her. Beaches are one of the best place to source for comfort and because of the sea breeze which was what gradually helped my mom to relax and open up her mind and heart. This is just one suggested methods to heal the depressed, but what’s most important is to always be there for them which I’m glad that you always are right now. I really hope Ayato will be able to recover and let go of his past one day.

    Wish you both the best of luck and courage to conquer all obstacles and challenges in this new phase of your life. God bless and loves you both ❤️

  2. Thank you so much for your sweet comments. 🙂
    I appreciate it so much.
    Journaling has helped me out so much.
    And thank you for your sweet wishes once again.
    God bless you too!

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