day 261

I have not been feeling like myself lately. Life is quietly passing by and I have no memory of it whatsoever. Yesterday I was struggling to remember what my day was like to write it in the journal. I was staring at the screen for ten minutes before I remembered to check my calendar. Only after that could I recall what I was doing on monday. I have been feeling like there are no feelings in me, like I am a robot. And the same thing is with these journals. I feel like I have not written anything important in them. Just trivial, unimportant events that mean nothing to anyone and are not even worth remembering. But I write about them because I have to write something, haven’t I? And it is the simplest to write about these kind of things, it takes no effort, I do not have to think about it because it has no meaning.

I am feeling lonely as well. I often think a random stranger will approach me while I am walking down the street but I know it will not happen. I have no one to talk to, no one to spend (my excessive amount of free) time with. It seems like I will spend my summer all alone. I do not want that. The other day I have seen a great tweet: ”i think i’m a background friend. i don’t fit in with any particular group of friends, they all are closer with each other and i sometimes link on but am permanent with no one. i think about all these people constantly but i don’t think i cross their minds often.” (by @queentrashcan). I agree with it completely and I am that kind of friend, the lonely one.

And I can not seem to find a summer job either.

Only after writing all these stuff I noticed my life right now really is not all that great. It probably just confirms what I said in the first paragraph. The only good thing I can think of is looking forward to the exchange in september. It is basically confirmed, I just have to pass the last two exams this semester (one is on thursday, the other next week). And rewatching terrace house is a great idea. Just a little something I need to make me laugh every evening.



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