July 11, 2019
I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SO TIRED. I took two melatonin at like, 9:30 pm last night and still somehow I didn’t fall asleep until midnight and I wake up this morning wanting to die. I had to make myself get up earlier to wash my hair because I had put in a hair mask and coconut oil all over it the night before. I just want beautiful hair dammit. I’ve been seriously considering cutting my hair a bit. Not a ton, but maybe put it a bit past shoulder length. Maybe get it styled nicely. I just get tired of the fried split ends making my hair stick to itself and causing tangles and the weight of it is starting to make it a bit flat on top. I need to re-dye it also. I could go with the henna red again, but I also saw that there is a henna dye that can make it black and I’ve been thinking about doing it. It would be quite a dramatic change for me and I’d have to keep up with making sure I re-dye my roots as much as possible, which is hard to do with dye that fades so quickly. I’m scared if I use the henna that it will fade into a really ugly gray color. Especially since the deep purplish red fades into a much lighter, very bright red over time. Although, if I am going to dye my hair a dark black, I want to do it before I cut it. I’d like to at least look the gothy part if I’m going to go full out on this. I am a bit worried people at work will be shocked, but hey, it’s a natural color so it counts right? Chances are my family is going to be more outraged than anyone else. Oh well, someday I’ll just cut my hair clean off so fuck em.
I can’t wait to be done with this week. I really want to get tomorrow over with so I can go home, change, pack a bag, and head to Morgan’s for the weekend. I know Sam wants to go swimming on Saturday, and we might, but I just get so blinded by love and getting to spend quality time with my boyfriend that I hardly ever want to do anything else or hang out with anyone else. I just stop caring about others for a while. I know that’s not an attractive quality, but I just enjoy distancing myself from people that I see all the time. It’s like they start to get annoying after a while. Every single one of my friends has a quirk that makes me not want to be around them all the time. Even Courtney has been pissing me off enough lately to make me want to set her aside for a while. Lately I’ve been craving the need for newer friends. Ones who are less whiny, a bit more mature, and don’t mind just ordering a pizza and watching tv with me. Or making pizza with a cauliflower crust, rather. I, unfortunately, cannot have regular pizza anymore. This keto diet makes me sad sometimes. Pretty much everyone in the office just went to go get chinese food now and they all asked if I wanted anything or wanted to join them. I said no, but didn’t really explain why. Even if I wasn’t on a diet anyways, I can’t afford to be eating out. But I also don’t want to bore any of them explaining that I don’t eat carbs anymore. People tend to either resent you or try to talk you out of it when you explain a really restricting diet to them.
I made myself go to the gym last night. It was really hard to convince myself to do it, but I found out a little brain trick I can use. If I spend a few minutes on facebook looking at the before and after photos from the Fit with Mari group, it really motivates me to want to go workout. So many women have experienced success with her guides and eating healthy and doing keto and all the things I’m trying to get used to. So if I look at those photos every time I’m struggling to find motivation, it will help me feel inspired. I used to do that with my viola too. I’d not want to practice anymore but if I sat and watched videos of amazing string players, I’d suddenly be inspired again to do better. What had me so unmotivated last night was how long it took to cook dinner and the fact that after I ate I was feeling a bit queasy from the fullness. Also a lot of times in the past going to workout has given me heartburn or made me feel lightheaded. Last night that didn’t happen. I’m beginning to think that a. I cannot workout on an empty stomach and b. Pre-workout just gives me diarrhea and causes heartburn. So I haven’t been doing anything with pre-workout, and I’ve found my energy levels while at the gym really haven’t changed much. I think it all has to do with eating healthy as well as actually eating first. I do want to buy some protein powder, however. Just to up my protein levels in my diet and help me feel more full throughout the day. I do think my stomach has shrunk already though, I haven’t been getting as hungry as fast like I used to.
Tonight at 6 pm, a woman named Sydni from the Brown College of Court Reporting down in Georgia is going to call me to talk details of admissions to online classes. I’m not starting everything right away, but I am making moves towards a career field and I want to get as much information as I can now so I’m ready when it is time. I’m hoping I can be ready by next spring. It’s a little too late I think to be prepared for the upcoming fall semester as I haven’t applied for any kind of financial aid. The catch with most of these court reporting schools is that you often need to purchase your own equipment, like a stenotype machine. They can be hella expensive so I’m hoping that I can get enough financial aid to purchase all of the equipment and books I need because there is no way in hell I can afford it out of pocket. Not even a percentage of it, really. Almost every penny I make is currently accounted for, and I’d really like some help fixing that so I can actually live comfortably and have a savings account someday that doesn’t ever hit $0. That’s the whole point of this career thing. I’m a bit anxious about the call, I never really liked talking on the phone much, but I’m making the sacrifice otherwise I’ll never get anywhere with this goal. I will update tomorrow on how it all goes.