lovesick ramblings and tired of both

When I was little I always wished that I could find a switch on my body to turn off my emotions. I would be able to be much for efficient. I could accomplish so much more. I wouldn’t squander my time with useless ideas. The benefits would be worth it. 

I’m now 27 and I still feel the same. 
I hate myself for feeling what I feel. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you, who doesn’t want you, who doesn’t even think about you let alone glance your way much. Isn’t it beautiful? How many fucking love songs are there about this pain? How many plays, movies, books written about it? 

Is it written about so much because we can all connect and relate to each other’s pain this way? 

I love her. I’m in love with her. I love her so much. I wish I could give her everything. Whatever she wanted. Even a conversation that lasted forever would be enough. 

I feel ashamed about these feelings. I guess thats why I don’t have to hide them online where its anonymous. 

I walk past her and I wish I could touch her beautiful long hair. On the odd chance that I get to walk with her even for a few minutes, and I can smell her perfume, I live for those moments. 

I’ve never fallen in love with someone else like this before. I was a very active kid, played soccer all throughout my younger years and into college, and skateboard to this day, so I’ve broken my share of ankles and arms, but no broken limbs compare to this pain. Its almost unbearable. And I detest how weak it makes me. 

I don’t even want to speak these words out loud. Because I feel ashamed of loving someone so much, that my heart sinks every time reality hits me in the face knowing she will never look at me the way she looks at him. 

I could never confess my feelings to her because I couldn’t bare the thought of her never speaking to me again. Even if its the obligatory ‘hello’ or small talk . . . the little pieces of life that I love. 

So I endure this pain. But I can’t help but hate myself. I hate that I love someone this much. Because ever since I started to fall in love with her, I can’t get any peace. 

I’ve tried to get her off my mind. But after ruining another friendship in an attempt at trying to get over her, I felt so empty afterwards. A woman took me into her bed, unknowing I had brought another woman with me, and when I said her name out loud she was angry, understandably. So now I’ve gone and fucked up another friendship. 

She was a good friend too. I’m such an idiot. She didn’t deserve that. I feel horrible. 

I really want to find that fucking switch one day. 

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