Note: This retelling of Julie’s life is based on what I know, without knowledge of exact places and times; and the retelling is based on what was relayed to me by Julia herself. Other participants in the story of her life would probably see things from different perspectives and were perhaps unaware of how their actions or words were perceived.
Julia was born in Sacramento, California, on November 13th, 1960. She died in West-Central Oregon, on August 7th, 2019.
Her mother had Rubella while with Julia, and she was born with partial hearing loss, damage to one eye, and learning difficulties. No one knew for years that she was partially deaf, and so she struggled in school, and learned to read lips. When they finally discovered the problem, and fitted her with hearing aids, Julie would not always wear them, out of embarrassment, and as such many people would jump to the conclusion that she was unintelligent or rude, and she was consistently bullied as a result, and excluded from various activities, like cheerleading and plays.
Yet, even when Julia did wear the hearing aids, she had difficulties with comprehension and readying body-language, due to the lingering effects of the Rubella.
She never gave up, however, but always fought to be “normal,” or “just as good as everyone else.”
At home things were not great. Her mother and father were both serial adulterers, with one sibling aborted, another put up for adoption, and two who were favored (in Julie’s view) by virtue of not having issues with hearing and learning. Her family (as Julie explained to me) always upheld the virtues of physical beauty, fitness, and intellectualism, and poo-pooed things like faith, moral integrity, and inner beauty.
When Julia was eight years old, a group of boys pinned her down, pulled up her dress and removed her panties by force, and then poured dirt all over her vagina. It was a traumatic event, so much so that Julie could not remember much about her life before this occurred.
Her mother and father eventually split, and Don, a former Oakland Raider, then came into the picture. Although Don and Julie’s mother, Penny, conflicted as well, Don stuck it out.
Julie described that her mother was a very tall beautiful woman, with a cheery and flirty personality, who loved to be the center of attention – and men flocked to her. Don was a hardworking and serious man, who had grown up as an orphan.
When Penny would run off with this fella or that, Don would melt down, and yet, he kept taking care of the kids, and the house, and doing what needed to be done, and in so doing, created stability. As a result Julie was closer to Don than she was to her own biological father.
Julie relayed to me various stories, bits and pieces in a rather fragmented way, that I want to document. I do not know the exact times and places, only that they happened when she was young:
Her mother did not want her after she was born, and her aunt Mary, a nurse for 40 years at a hospital in California, who could not have kids with her disabled husband Frank, stepped up and asked to take Julie. Her Aunt Mary was a very kind and loving person, devoutly Catholic, and fell in love with the baby at first sight. Penny was open to the idea, but then changed her mind and kept Julia.
Once when Penny ran out on Don with a biker, she took Julie’s younger sister, Robin, but left Julie behind with Don. This set in Julie’s mind that Penny loved Robin more, and that belief persisted throughout Julie’s adult life.
When Julie was small, she had a habit of sitting alone in the dark, listening to music and sucking her thumb. One day, Penny, with Robin and her brother Randy, gathered around Julie and began mocking her with a little limerick about thumb sucking, while her mother, with butter-knife, threatened to cut the thumb off if she did not stop sucking it. This memory haunted Julia throughout her life.
Robin and Julie had several outright physical fights, including one in which Robin was upset about something, Julie ran to check on her, and Robin deliberately slammed Julie’s fingers in the door. In an incident with Randy, Julie was stabbed with a stick, through her arm.
Once when her dad was riding his motorcycle, Julia was pinned between the bike handle and the car, and the handle penetrated her side. She lost one kidney and was hospitalized for months, often spending days alone – which, again, left memories that troubled Julie throughout her entire life, and instilling a lifelong fear of being alone in hospitals or doctor’s offices.
Julie related to me a story of a group of boys abusing her dog, and how she ran into the middle of them and attacked the boys and defended her dog. On another occasion, she saw a group of boys harassing albino child, and intervened, putting herself between the bullies and their target.
On the positive side of her childhood, was the influence of her paternal grandmother, who was a Christian Scientist and lived on a ranch in California. Julie loved to visit that ranch and ride an old horse named Bombur. Her grandmother would dress her up like a doll, and take her and her sister on outings to beaches and for hamburgers, and taught Julie about being a lady and treated her with love. Strangely, Julie’s father hated that his mother took Julie to church, but it was her grandmother’s influence that perhaps implanted the seed of Faith in the girl that lasted through her entire life.
Indeed, Julie relayed how she was made fun of by her family for believing in, “An old bearded man on a throne.” Julie, however, proudly owned it. “Yes I do,” she said when asked if she really believed such non-sense.
Her grandmother died of cancer when Julie was a young woman – as a Christian Scientist she refused all medical aid, even pain killers, and died screaming in agony, another memory that haunted Julie throughout her life.
Julie was a wild child in her youth, experimenting with drugs, going to concerts, courted by various young men (she was quite a looker).
She met Rick when she was 18, and they became an item. Julia later expressed great regret over having let a boy keep her from going to college. It was also around this time that Julie hooked up with Vocational Rehabilitation services, through the High School, due to her hearing problems. When speaking of this event, she would get rather angry, remembering how the Vocational Counselor tried to steer her toward low end service jobs, and how instead, she went and got a phone book, and began calling state offices until she talked herself into a job with the State of California.
Ongoing problems with her hearing (which got worse as she got older) and her learning difficulties would always plague her in any job she had, and she relayed many incidents of outright discrimination and harassment from fellow employees and employers… But she never gave up, kept moving forward, worked hard, and kept picking herself up.
Julia worked for the State of California for 17 years.
Of Rick, however… Well he had allot of promise as a baseball player, but drug and alcohol problems limited his ability to progress. In addition, he had a porn addiction, and frequented prostitutes. He dragged Julie along into seedy neighborhoods, and very dangerous situations, and even (for laughs) spiked a drink with LSD then locked her in a bedroom. Repeated exposure to chlamydia likely left her sterile, for she was never able to have children, though it was one of the greatest yearnings of her heart.
After nine years, Julie wanted a commitment, and asked if he would marry her. Rick laughed in her face, and she packed up and left. Julie got her life together and, earning good money, she was able to get her own place, in Sacramento.
She always spoke of those times very fondly, because it was an apartment with a patio, that overlooked a beautiful park/waterway, with ducks and geese.
After a number of years alone, Julie met “Tom.” He was unemployed, about to lose his apartment, and Julie let him stay with her. In time Tom got on his feet, with a job at a school. Julie remarked about Tom’s addiction to porn, and his repeated inappropriate remarks about the girls in the school – remarks that troubled her, but which she chose to dismiss as harmless.
Julie lost her job a couple years into the relationship, and Tom kicked her out of the very apartment she had let him move into, and that was that.
It is of note that during the period when Julie lived alone, she began to experience strange things – including one incident where the belt of a bathrobe snaked up around her neck while she was laying in bed, and began to tighten around her neck.
She also had allot of bad experiences with Christians during these times of her life, mainly at work, pressuring her about her lifestyle (living with Tom). But she sought God during this time as well, visiting many churches, and seeking the rite of Baptism (she had come to believe she needed to be baptized). For some reason, each church she went to dismissed the need to be baptized out-of-hand.
With Tom’s cold betrayal, Julie found herself homeless and jobless. She reached out to old friends, and began wandering from one to another in her little Saturn. It is of note, that the Saturn was a car she bought in 1995 and continued to drive until 2014, selling it in 2016 – and it’s still running to this day.
Depressed, aimless, uncertain of what to do, or where to go, she related to me the story of almost dying during this time, while traveling over a mountain pass on slick roads. She told me how the car went into a spin and was headed for the edge, when she just took her hands off the wheel and cried out to God. She swore that she saw hands grab the wheel and the car came to a stop on the shoulder of the road.
I’ve never understood Julie’s female “friends.” Indeed I’ve never understood why she had such difficulty making friends, especially with women. Women she had known since childhood, one by one turned their backs on her. In jobs, in personal life, she always struggled with getting along with other women. Julie always said to me that she never trusted women, because they always stabbed each other in the back, and believed it was because women did not play team sports.
My own theory is based simply on her hearing problem, which made it difficult for her to catch everything people were saying or pick up on subtle tones. She would miss entire parts of conversations. Hearing aids being very expensive, she relied on a couple old aids she got as child, and was very attached to them, refusing to replace them, even when they were completely dysfunctional. Most insurance plans do not cover hearing aids either, and she (and we) never had allot of money.
However, continuing with the story……………………..
Julie was at her wits end, having to leave another place where she had been invited to stay… After a good cry, she sat down on the lawn and asked God to help her. Her sister Robin called shortly thereafter, saying to Julie, “I have an opportunity to work in Hawaii or Africa, and I need someone to look after the boys… Which place should I choose, Africa or Hawaii?” Julie chose Hawaii and wound up moving there to play governess to Robin’s two sons.
It was not an easy job, as she immediately had conflict with Robin over the boys, and the boys were hellions, with the one nephew, Lance, constantly beating up and terrorizing the other, Danny. Without going into the whole dynamic, Lance would eventually be diagnosed with Asperger and Danny with Manic-Aggression – and to the present wrestle with relationship and legal issues, with difficulties holding jobs and staying out of trouble. Julie, however, adored her nephews, cared deeply for them no matter what they did, or how little love they showed her in return. She also loved Hawaii – swimming, wandering the beaches, visiting local artists, attending luaus, even deep sea diving (she was very adventurous). But, when Robin moved back to the mainland, namely Eugene, Oregon, Julie went along. However, eventually she was no longer needed, and was again set adrift.
Julia’s mother, Penny, ran a bed and breakfast in Brookings, Oregon, called the Sea Dreamer Inn; and she allowed Julie to come live with her there, with certain conditions. Whenever, guests came to rent rooms, Julie had to sleep in her car. Julie was not allowed to flush the toilet, because that was environmentally unsound. Julie helped with house chores, errands, and the care of her aunt Margaret, who was bedridden and seemed to have some form of senility. In due course, Julie found a job at a place called The Emporium, and paid rent to her mother – but still had to sleep in her car.
Her mother had an old WebTV system and Julie would use it to go online, the first time in her life she had been on the internet. This was around the year 2000. This is where/when we met for the first time, in a spiritual chatroom.
Julie always loved Jesus! I mean she really liked his style. Yet, Julie was also a New Ager, as her mother was into Theosophy, among other things, and one of Julie’s best friends, Garnet, was a professional astrologer/numerologist… And these influences led her to a Spiritual Group – which is to say, a gathering of women that did channeling, astrology, numerology, sacred geometry, auto-writing, dowsing, etc… etc.
I’d started auto-writing when I was a kid (while journaling), had let it go, and had picked up again as an adult, after my first marriage ended in divorce. Alone all the time, deeply hurt by the betrayal of my first wife, I tried to take my own life, and wound up hospitalized against my will.
To explain further, I took allot of sleeping pills, that did not work, and made the mistake of confiding in a counselor, who forced me to go to the hospital to get checked out. The doctor told me that if I did not receive treatment to save my liver (or was it kidneys – unsure), I would die in about three days. I refused treatment, mistakenly thinking it was my right – and was forced into treatment… Then had to beg and fast-talk, to get out of being put in a mental ward.
I guess I started talking to myself again and/or spirits (whichever you choose to believe), via auto-writing; and, like now, so then, I started posting what I was getting from an entity called Anu, and another called Raven Woman, or Anutu, on a WebTv web-page.
These entities always emphasized balance, the middle path, being honest – decrying extremes of good and evil, light and dark, pacifism verses aggression… Instructing that moderation and equilibrium was a superior way.
Now anyone who does any research, will know that the names of these entities are known, historically and mythological, but I did not know that at the time. My upbringing was Baptist, though I had tried many denominations and dabbled in theurgical and spiritual practices as a teenager – but it was all Judeo-Christian stuff. I was not a history expert, neither familiar with ancient pagan deities. The entities were kind to me, they helped through a difficult time in my life, and indeed were like spiritual parents, very nurturing and wise.
They did not ask me to do anything evil, and indeed seem to emphasize a balance between “Old Testament” and “New Testament” approaches to life (hard verses soft). They acknowledged Jesus as legit, in point of fact, but decried the binary, all-or-nothing thinking of humanity.
Admittedly they did guide me on certain practices which led to paranormal encounters that were very interesting to say the least, like a vision of everything in the world being made out of tiny lines of hieroglyphic-like code (and no, it did not look like the Matrix, but was very small and translucent).
Any Way! I wrote about these things and Julie started reading it, and liked what was she was reading. We started on Talk City, chatting away, and then moved to talking on the phone. I told her every weird and bad thing about myself, trying to scare her off, because after my first marriage, I did not want to get hurt again.
Yet I had been praying for God to bring me love, one who would love me just for me, who would be my best friend, someone I could tell everything to, without fear of being abandoned or rejected.
Julie would not be frightened away. Indeed, we got closer and closer. This was around the time that 9/11 happened, and our country went mad.
In November of 2001 I got rid of everything I had, got onto a bus with a tote bag, and with a one way ticket traveled from Vermont to Oregon. The trip took almost all the money I had actually, and Julie, on her end, had managed to get a little apartment for us in a town called Harbor.
Now I guess you should know a little bit more about me at this point, but since this is supposed to be about Julie (Julia, Jules, Julecca, Julezy, Hoolee-uh), I will try to be brief (yes I know I am very wordy and probably won’t be brief).
I was born in Vermont in 1970.
My father, an ex-military man turned barber, married my mother (his second wife) who was 14 years younger than him. He was a very insecure man, because of his first wife’s infidelity (and probably because of losing his mother when he was a boy), and he became very controlling toward my mother – ever fearful she might cheat on him.
Despite this, we had a good life early on, my sister Vickie and I, living in the northern part of the state. He was rather nomadic (restless), however, and never liked Vermont (the cold) so he moved us to New Mexico and then to Texas, and things were okay. He was a temperamental man, and a homebody – working 10-14 hours a day, sometimes seven days a week. He just wanted supper on the table, and too watch the news and his westerns when he got home at night. My mother was a homemaker, and like many housewives of that era, and now, was unhappy being at home all the time.
Being younger than my dad, she kept whining about going, “Honky Tonking.”
Okay, yes, to very this day, I hate this word/term.
She accused my dad of having affairs, and maybe he was; but the woman she accused him of having an affair with was dying of cancer, and he would take my sister and I over to her house, with her husband there, to visit her. She was a coworker, a friend, dying of cancer, and I don’t see that he would be having an affair with her, if he was visiting her and her husband… BUT, my mother thought something was amidst, and was unhappy.
The fighting kept escalating, and dad’s temper would get the better of him, and holes got punched in walls, and shouting matches ensued with greater frequency.
I will admit, he was a very strict father, who would not let us leave the dooryard, not even to go to the park 100′ feet away, and would correct us with his big black belt much to often.
One day, my mother loaded us up (three kids by then), and whatever she could fit into our big old green Lincoln Continental. We said goodbye to our big yellow house and middle-class life, and headed for Vermont, and wound up living in a tiny camper behind her sister’s house, and being on welfare. To my mother’s credit, she was not lazy, and managed to get into a State of Vermont training program, became a secretary, and soon we graduated from the camper into low income housing (oh joy!).
It is of note, that even in peaceful, beautiful, low crime state like Vermont, low income housing was rife with “problems.”
There was a state program to help with tonsils, and myself and my little sister Margaret were always sick for some reason, and needed our tonsils out.
My sister Margaret, ironically, had the exact same birthday as me, but at the time I regarded her as an irritating little brat who jubilantly liked to knock over all my meticulously placed army men.
I went first, had my tonsils removed with no trouble. She went next, and would never return from the hospital. The surgery went fine, but in post-op the IV regulator was broken, and the solution just flowed into her. For three shifts they saw the bag was empty, so they changed it, without checking the regulator. She drowned in her own body.
My dad came to Vermont long enough to get part of the settlement, and scream and yell and use his black belt a few more times. Then he headed back to Texas, promising to buy us a ranch and send for us.
When we heard from him again, he was filing for divorce… He’d bought a ranch, for his new wife and her kids, and she was pregnant. My sister’s name was Margaret Ann, and he named his new daughter, Ann Margaret (who, strangely, was born on his birthday).
After my dad left us that final time, my mother married one loser after another (druggies, alcoholics, porn addicts, cheaters, abusers), and she herself grew ever more bitter and abusive. I realize now that she was bi-polar, because she could be so sweet at times, and at other times totally selfish and mean-spirited, physically violent, and even sexually inappropriate.
Anyway………………………. I go on and on, I know. So three step-dads, a wicked step-mother, dropping out of high school, dozens of jobs and failed relationships, homelessness, multiple half-hearted suicide attempts, stalkers, dabblings into drugs, exploration of multiple religions and spiritual systems, counseling and social security disability, and my first divorce, later………………. I was a hermit weirdo living alone talking to myself or the spirits of ancient pagan deities (whichever). And somehow Julie still wanted me and liked me and accepted me into her life.
AND YES, I told her all this stuff, and more. I should note, however, that I did have a job and was going to counseling, and do not drink or use drugs, and have never been arrested for a crime, at the time when I met her (nor since, for that matter :).
I came across the country, five days on the bus, and when I arrived in Brookings, pulling up beside this little shack of a station, I saw no one, and was frightened at first.
Then, slowly, I saw her peek out from behind the little building, shy and nervous. She did not look like her picture, she was heavier and older than I thought – but she was so scared, and I knew she feared rejection. Immediately I felt love for her, born perhaps of empathy; and because I had no way back, I had to make it work.
We got down on our knees, face to face, and took our vows to each other on November 23, 2001 – mainly because we were so poor we could not even afford a wedding.
It was a tug of war. Extrovert and introvert, day person and night person, outgoing and in-going, and two different kinds of broken. She worked, I was home. I did the chores, gave her my check, and she struggled with her job. Getting along with her coworkers was hard – they were relentlessly impatient with her, and she was to proud to tell people about her disabilities.
We argued, with cried, we threatened to break up, almost did many times, but she did not want to be alone, I did not want to be alone. We both needed each other financially, and really had no where to go, and we endured somehow.
Julie dragged me out into the world, she dragged me to her little spiritual meetings, and she introduced me to people I did not want to meet, and I actually made friends.
Vermont had lots of programs to help people like me get to work, even picked us up and took us to work, with a coach there to help us do the job. There were counselors and there was help with medications, and a club-house for the broken to hang out and mutually support one another. There was none of it in Oregon, nothing barely comparable. Julie was it.
She was my help, my counselor and support system, and she rose to the occasion to be sure, and introduced me to many things I’d never known – ranging from salsa to channelers, numerologists and tarot readers, and she coaxed me to try doing readings and mediumship (and it turned out I was fairly good at such things).
In turn, I introduced her to the Bible, taught her all about religion (multiple religions) and all the different spiritual systems known to the world.
We both discovered more and more about Anu and Anutu, and she encouraged me to share the things they gave us, in online communities.
What I found, however, was that Anu and the Anunnaki were well known. However, to New Agers he was an evil reptilian alien godking; while to historical-pagan types, he was to much like the monotheistic god to be interesting or likable.
The Anu I was speaking to talked about The One God with many faces and names, and the morality thereof; and about fallen angels pretending to be gods… And also about a group of entities called, “Neutral Angels,” who were, according to Anu, the angels or spirits of nature and of balance, ever working to maintain equilibrium.
For those modern pagans who love the many gods and goddesses of Mesopotamia, usually from an occult viewpoint – well, how did the priests of the many gods of Egypt feel about Akhenaton?
Angels, neutral angels, false-gods, these are not neo-pagan things. Anu’s agreement with general Judeo-Christian morality was also not acceptable in such circles.
Those who even acknowledged Anu or a Supreme Being insisted that he was unknowable, impersonal, and that, therefore, I could not be talking to him.
The Alien Astronaut people, and New Agers in general, view Anu and the Anunnaki as evil aliens, reptilians, etc. But my Anu was a kindly old man, a grandfather like entity (similar to El/Elyon of Canaan); while his feminine aspect or consort, Anutu (also called Nammu and/or Ki) was a stern but loving motherly figure, darkly beautiful after a transcendent fashion, and patient, ever advising me not to put up with people’s crap or to endure the abuse of women (she did not like men who laid down and allowed themselves to be walked on by women).
In time Anu helped me to confront my suicidal ideations, by bringing me to the very brink of death and forcing me to look into the Abyss. Moreover, in the darkness I found God’s love and light reaching out, as I called out to Christ to save me, and saw Julia’s face appear as if made of golden love. I knew from that moment on that Julie was God’s love, given to me to help me learn to live.
Anu slowly faded back, and Julie missed him -the channelings of this fatherly and loving old spirit who loved ice cream and loved to laugh so long and deep about silly little amusements. In place of Anu, came the Light of God. I wonder now if it was Ur-i-el, or the El of Ur; but neither here nor there, the archangel was much sterner and stricter, far more Judeo-Christian, and led us to study the Kabbalah (hating the New Age version thereof), and Gnosticism (expounding on the old forms of it, while decrying the modern sorts).
He gave us insight into the Bible from a mystical perspective, and taught us about the need for mankind to ascend beyond the bestial and low minded state, and strive to transform themselves and the earth into a majestic and epic kingdom of truth and spirit, light and balance, order and mystic splendor (the rise of angelic-man). Moreover, Uriel warned us about the coming of the Singularity and Machine-Humanity, the coming of the Image of the Beast that is to be given life (AI).
Julie became for me a reason. Not that we were perfect. We still had arguments, some quite heated, but we also had allot of love – and would openly admit that we were co-dependent, and we were both okay with it (So What!? Julie would say).
I told her 50 times a day that I loved her, and sang songs written in my heart – she filled me with warm fuzzies just to look at her face.
We moved from Brookings, Oregon, to Fallon, Nevada, where we spent many days talking and walking in the desert, and where I went on vision quests and perfected my skill at channeling (that was the Anu phase) and auto-writing, and became pretty good at Tarot reading as well. There were visions and paranormal encounters both fun and frightening; and I faced the demon of death and the cold empty abyss of separation from God.
It was in Nevada also, that, through our MSN Group activity, we met Sean (called Raethan online), who helped me with my ritual confrontation in the desert. Later, when we moved to Durango, Colorado, we had a spare room, and Sean, having been badly wounded by the betrayal of his wife (then ex), came to stay with us… And never left.
Sean and I worked together for a couple years at the Humane Society, before he and Julie began working together, managing and maintaining low income housing. We got a free apartment and good pay for it, and I would help out with security and housekeeping.
Rae, as we always called him, was our brother, if asked we said he was Julie’s brother – because people have dirty little minds, and assume some freaky things, that had nothing to do with the reality. Indeed, I will admit that sexuality was never much of a thing even between Julia and I – it just wasn’t.
Sean is one of the most dynamic individuals I’ve ever met, and the closest male friend I’ve ever had. He was more of a brother to Julie, than her biological brother ever was. He can play about 12 different instruments, can paint, sculpt, sew, do woodworking and forging, is a wiz with computers, cars, construction – in short, he’s a redneck nerd. 🙂 But he is also a bit of what is called a MGTOW, in that he simply does not trust women, and does not want to be a servant for a woman (even though he is very lonely for one).
Julie had many health issues from the start. A doctor told her mother, when Julia was born, that she would not live past 40 in all likelihood. I met her when I was 30 and she was 40. Julie was around 300lbs when I met her, had diabetes, high blood pressure, and the beginnings of neuropathy. Her hearing was getting worse, and eventually she developed two cataracts (removed in 2017).
Julie also wrestled with issues of self-esteem, ever feeling inferior to her sister and brother, and believing that her mother and father favored them over her (which I witnessed and came to believe was true).
An example of the favoritism, was that when Julie’s mother was getting sick with Alzheimer’s disease (she is still alive but getting worse), she decided to give everyone an inheritance. She gave Randy $40k in gold, Robin $40k in gold, and gave Julie $250.00 in quarters.
Another example was, when we briefly stayed with Penny, after moving back to Oregon (from Arizona), Penny and Don would make fun of Julie’s speech impediment, mocking how she would talk. Julie could not hear them doing it. Ironically, they seemed to hear an impediment, but I never could hear one, and neither did Rae.
I am far from done here, however, because there is an entire side to Julie’s story that has not been addressed… Namely, her visions.
Julie always, “saw things.” She saw, heard, felt, smelled things no one else could. Like a person standing in a busy street, watching all sorts of people pass by, she saw it all – the good, the bad, and the in-between… The Flora and Fauna of the Astral and Ethereal Plane. She saw angels, demons, Jesus Christ, saints, and watchers, etc…
When Julie dreamed, she woke up somewhere else – walked in other worlds, lucidly, sometimes in good places, sometimes in bad.
She used to go to a mountain, where there was a swing-set, and there she would swing with a being whose head was like the sun, and they would just spend time together, night after night. She called the being, “Elahi,” or “My God,” in Aramaic. In the rainbow sky above, ships would pass by, like pirates, and she would laugh and say, “They were singing songs and drinking root beer.”
When I asked my guides about it, they would say, “Julie can sit with the Father, because she asks nothing of him, she just enjoys his company. She has a pure heart, a childlike heart. Unless you become as a little child, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.”
Of the Root Beer Pirates, anything can happen in the astral plane (the collective unconscious realm).
She saw so many things I cannot recount them all, but I will list a few, for the record:
Spiders – she saw spiders, large and small, on the walls and ceilings, and egg sacks, and various insect like creatures, all very Lovecraftian… I doubted her, until one day, after having meditated for a couple hours, and chanting the divine names, I wandered out into the kitchen, and was horrified to see the spiders, crawling all over, as if moving around just beneath a thin transparent veneer that separates our world from theirs, as if they are out of phase with our reality. I did not see them again, but I believed her after that. It must be noted that Julie did not fear spiders, but thought of them as beautiful and interesting, and considered them symbols of fate and weavers of destiny.
The Watchers were those who just stood, everywhere, just behind a thin veneer, ever observing us, as if maintaining our reality by their observation thereof. When she would reach out to communicate, usually with simple yes or no gestures from them, they were completely indifferent to us, neither hating nor liking, just watching. A few indicated disdain, others indicated some positive regard, but most seemed indifferent.
The Crystal Being was something Julie saw on occasion, which was faceted like a diamond, and had different color tints at different times. When it would approach, her ears would start to ring, her blood pressure would shoot up, and she would sometimes get very dizzy and sick to her stomach. It was very large she said, and very powerful, overwhelming to her. I doubted this, thinking it was maybe her blood pressure causing the hallucination. Then Sean and I were sitting there one day and saw the air ripple in what we came to call the Predator Effect (like the movie) while Julie was seeing the entity. We saw it several times, and believed her after that.
John of Damascus was a skinny bearded ole man who would visit her in dreams and waking visions. Now Julie was never Catholic, never knew much about it… But when I did a search for John of Damascus, I found that he was a real person, a Byzantine monk and priest from ancient times. He always talked to her with great affection, as if to a dear friend and sister, and seemed to know her well, as if from some distant time.
The Black Flies was something that she kept claiming to see, and I dismissed it out of hand, as just one of her many “bug visions.” But they frightened her. One night while I was meditating she started urgently telling me about the black flies, that they were back. I was not alarmed, but opened my eyes. Since I almost never saw what she would see, I was not expecting anything… BUT, there before me, all through the bedroom, were these small black motes, floating about in an ugly reddish haze. I immediately began invoking the ancient names of the One & Most High God, and visualizing white-golden light burning them, and watched as the black motes began to pop, as if exploding with white flashes from within. This happened three times, there were fewer each time, until they did not come again. I knew the name of the demon, but will not speak it here; but knowing it, helped to banish it.
The Rainbow Sky was something Julie saw one day while standing on our veranda in Durango. She called to us to come see, and we went outside, not expecting anything – only to stand in awe of a sky that seemed unreal… It was not just blue, but a rainbow of colors against a kind of blue that was unlike anything I’ve seen since or before that event, and I felt as though we had seen into another dimension, the sky of a different world.
The Angel from the wall did step – one day while Sean and I were speaking about religious matters… A being made of golden-white light, a person of golden-white lines, stepping right out of the wall, nodding, smiling, and stepping right back in.
Jesus and Mary were entities that Julie saw visiting her many times. She kept telling me that the Virgin Mary favored me, but I do not know why, since I’m not Catholic (I did stay in a monastery for a short while years ago).
It was Julie who helped me to make peace with Jesus and Christianity, because of the visions and messages she received, telling me not to blame Jesus/Yeshua for what Christians do or don’t do. She told me over and over, “Jesus has always had your back. He’s always been there for you, even when he’s had to wear a different mask to do it.”
One night she saw a section of the wall of our bedroom disappear, revealing a man sitting in a control-like booth, and when he saw her looking at him, he was shocked, and immediately hit a button on his console and vanished… The wall restored.
She saw many many other things, from native spirits to strange otherworldly beings, and would often see shadows or lights around or on people that would give her some head’s up about who or what they were about.
When she was younger, she had a vision/dream about standing above the planet earth, as if on a veranda or ledge above it, with Jesus and another female spirit, and Jesus said to her and the other girl, “Someone has to go down and help him.”
Julie said at once, “I’ll Go!”
In a second vision/dream she saw Jesus put his fingers in her ears, and say, “Hear no evil.”
Despite all her afflictions and burdens, she got up every day and went to work. When unemployed, she looked until she found a job. She overcame drugs, alcohol, and smoking. She was 300lbs when I met her, but using the Schwarzbein Principle she lost the weight (down to 170), beat diabetes (literally rolled it back beyond pre-diabetic), and became a highly disciplined person. As she lost it, I gained it 🙂 But she always tried to help me get control, I just lacked her self-control.
Unable to feel her feet and overweight, she would troupe up mountain trails. A little woman, she would fearlessly confront trespassers, squatters, and gangster types on the properties she worked, and remained calm while people screamed at her and threatened her, and she still enforced the rules… Always ready with resource information to help people get the aid they needed, if they were willing to ask and allow her to assist them.
She loved to go for long rides and long walks, and loved to drive through storms and up mountain sides, without fear, ever trusting God to have her back. Indeed, she loved to watch the bears rummage through the dumpsters in Colorado, and would stand there fearless (foolish?) laughing in amusement and telling them how cute they were. I tried to reason with her and warn her, and drag her away, knowing that s single swipe from a bear’s paw would take her head off… But she looked at me with a smirk and said, “Don’t you trust God? He won’t let anything happen to me.” Nothing ever did happen to her, and the bears ignored her.
Every day she got on her knees and prayed for people, friends and enemies alike, and loved and forgave her family know matter what they did or did not do, and excused away every act of unkindness or favoritism, blaming herself rather than others.
Over the years she pushed and worked on me, until I let my mother and father back into my life, and forgave them, and as stated above, helped me to forgive Jesus and the church.
In the last three years of her life, she decided she wanted to be a Christian. She got rid of all her New Age/Spiritualistic stuff, and started visiting churches – every kind of Christian church: Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Oneness Pentecostal, Pentecostal, Charismatic, etc… She went to about twenty different churches. She settled on a mainline evangelic fellowship called The Family Church, because it was lively and happy, with lots of people. Sean started going with her, and they were both baptized last year.
Any time one of her Bible Study Sisters would have a prayer request, she would pray about that request every single night, over and over, for months.
Holiday Gardens was a property for seniors and disabled people, and it was the only job I ever saw her happy in, totally happy… She was loved by her boss, and got along well with most of the tenants. She still encountered the wicked spirit of entitlement, by people who believed the lease did not apply to them or that they deserved special privileges, but Julie was not a judgmental person, and just let things slide off her as best she could (even if she would sometimes get her feeling hurt and wind up crying quietly to herself).
In 2016 the visions got so bad, so constant, that she pleaded with God to take them away. One night two men, all in black, appeared before her; and one of them produced a blade, which he used to cut through a sphere/membrane that was around her. The membrane only became visible when he touched it and cut a slit into it, and then the other dark man blew black smoke through the opening. She later described feeling like someone had reached up and grabbed her hair at the base of her neck, and pulled her head back and her whole body down.
Julia soon after got very dizzy, tried to stand, her ears were ringing, and she collapsed. I managed to grab her, and somewhat soften her fall, but she hit her head, badly sprained her ankle, and went unconscious. An ambulance came, and they took her to the hospital. A CAT-Scan and EEG revealed nothing significant, save that her blood pressure was very elevated, which was not uncommon (no matter how much weight she lost or what meds she took she could not control the BP).
We did not know until two years later that she likely had a stroke that night.
After that, Julie’s lucid dreaming involved waking up every night into darkness. She could see figures in the darkness, a man on a thrown who would swivel back and forth, people seated around tables in a vast cavern… There was great round stone door with a great face on it, that no one could open. The people there were despondent, quiet, at times they would mock her, or pretend to show her the way out, only to laugh when it was a dead end.
We prayed over her, did cleansings on her, worked hard on bringing out all her past issues (group therapy style), anointed her with holy oil and blessed water, worked on fervent worship, confession, and she repeatedly begged forgiveness… But night after night she went to sleep and awoke in the dark place.
She tried ministering to the dark souls about God and repentance, turning to the Light, about calling out to Christ for forgiveness, and some seemed to listen, and most stopped bothering her after a while. She learned to defend herself with circles and daggers of white light, and by invoking the holy names… But still she was there night after night.
In the mundane world, a new management company bought the property from the family that owned it, and it went from being a sweet little mom and pop operation (like living in a beautiful garden) to a cold sterile corporate property. Julie was having troubles when they arrived in 2017. Sean had been helping her out, and so she had been doing well with Holiday Gardens, but could not maintain under the new company, who really wanted alpha-type elites and workaholics.
Separating her off alone, the new boss, Doug, took her aside and began to berate and put her down, telling her how badly she was doing (she’d won awards under the former company), and that she had a choice to resign or quit. Moreover, he told her that Sean (her brother) was no longer going to be allowed to help her, and that if she could not do the job on her own, she needed to leave.
Before she even made up her mind, he had already lined up her replacement. Julie was devastated, all her old self-esteem issues bloomed full force, and she sank into deep depression. The darkness, the loss of her job, she began to eat and eat, and gained back all the weight that had taken years to get off, and the diabetes came back and the blood pressure worsened.
Financially we were hurting, and we fought to get her unemployment benefits, but were denied because she resigned so as not to have a stain on her record. She looked for another job all this time, but could find nothing.
It was becoming noticeable then. She was slow moving, her motor skills were off, she was walking funny, with a lean, and needed help getting out of her chair… The light started to go out of her eyes. During this time she had turned to the church, and had been baptized and asked for the laying on of hands, the anointing of the Holy Spirit.
My angel told me to have her write out, and to write with her, a vision of her heaven, and we began working on it as told… As we worked on it, she was told to visualize this realm each night as she was going to sleep. We were told to bury one copy and burn the other (bind and loose). Sure enough she began to go there, instead of the darkness. The time in the darkness was less and less, and at times she had to fight out of it, but she manage to get to that safe place with increasing frequency.
She began having the dreams about swinging with Elahi on the mountain, and would see Jesus and dead relatives in her envisioned soul-sanctuary.
But I came to realize that something was seriously wrong, that had nothing to do with spirituality or psychology. Her doctor had diagnosed her with Pseudo-Dementia (Major Depressive Disorder), and Dementia tests came back negative. Yet her motor skills were declining, and she fell a couple times, and her driving was scary. She was a fiercely independent person, and I had to fight to get her to stop driving. By then she would not drive without someone with her, so my refusal to ride with her, stopped her, but she sank deeper into depression.
She could no longer do the checkbook then, and her handwriting was getting smaller and smaller – which clued me in. And she got sadder and sadder, and stopped dreaming at all for the most part.
We had begun the disability process not long after her job ended, because it became so apparent that something was very wrong, so wrong that I did not think she could do the most basic chores. She wanted to, she hated not working, but she was declining.
Finally it was the disability determination agent who caught what her doctor was missing. He approved her disability within minutes of meeting her, but was very clear that we needed to get her to a neurologist as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, in rural Oregon there are not many neurologists, and the ones that are within reach, are overbooked, and getting an appointment took several months, then getting in took more months, and then the tests they ordered took more months, then months more to get the diagnoses.
It was during all this, that she was baptized, and slipped and fell while going into the tank… But being Julie, she got up and troopered on.
She did not want to go into the doctor, but made Sean go in instead. She did not want to be told that she was going to die, as she had already been told by one of her unseen friends.
Lewy Body Dementia… A death sentence.
I became the 24/7 caregiver, and had no real help. Sean did the logistics, but I had to be with her all day and night, and her insomnia meant neither of us slept much, and I will admit that it was very stressful and I did not cope well always.
Then there was the bleak realization that my wife, my light, my joy, my best friend and companion, was dying. I thought I would have years though.
The neurologist recommended a specialist, who would be able to give us drugs to slow it down. The meds her family practitioner had prescribed made it worse, so those were dropped; but the appointment for next specialist took a couple months just to make, and then it was scheduled six months out.
Julie kept getting worse and worse… The diarrhea started, for two weeks strait, then she slipped into a comatose state one day. We got her into the car, somehow, and took her to the emergency room, where we waited, with her passed out in the wheelchair for two hours. Sixteen hours later she got into a room – dehydrated, torn up inside by an infection called C-Diff.
I spent a hundred hours or more with her in that hospital, then finally she came home, and seemed better.
Before the hospitalization I could get her into the bathroom and help her use the toilet, and the shower. After the hospital, she had to use a portable potty, was incontinent – a mess, and hell for her and myself.
Two weeks go by, she seems fine, but then the diarrhea starts, and she goes comatose again, and almost dies, her blood pressure dropped into the basement. She’s hospitalized a second time, but was not getting better as fast.
Hospice got involved at this point, and they let me bring her home.
She was bedridden then, and needed full care, and I was that care… But the insomnia was gone at least. They told me she would not last the weekend, but she lasted two months. Eventually I had to give her food and water with a syringe, before she stopped eating and drinking all together.
It was a horrific thing to watch.
They said she would only live 7-10 days without food or water. She lasted 19. She was in terrible pain and discomfort, so I kept her medicated, but knowing she hated the meds, I did not use them as much as I could have. I kept trying to give her little bits of water, hoping she would somehow start swallowing.
For the record, I feel I must say, that Julia was asked, weeks before her death, whether or not she wanted to die, or wanted assistance to die, and clearly said no to both. She did not want to die, and fought to live.
I kept waking up every night, to check on her. My bed was on the floor only a few feet away, so I could see her by raising my head to check. She kept surprising us, kept going and going. She did not want to die. She loved life, she loved our home, she loved her pets, she loved the sun, she loved me… We were proudly co-dependent.
Then her feet turned purple, and purple lines appeared on her abdomen, and I think she had a stroke at some point. Her head and limbs had been rigid, locked up, but then they were loose, and limp on day 16. She had big black-purple lines on her neck and on her heel, and under her chin.
This woman who was so brave, so loving, so beautiful, so good – suffered so much, I can’t believe why God let that happen to her!? I prayed and prayed, I listened and begged, only to hear, “It’s her time, she’s being rewarded, not punished. By her suffering she is making you a better man. As she took care of you, now you have repaid the debt.”
Whatever the reasons, it brought no comfort. I cried every day watching this happen. We pleaded, we begged God to save her, we prayed over her every night. The golden light of God’s love was in her, and it faded away until it was gone (or went away).
On August 7th, I sat holding her hand, and told her to go. I told her to go to the Light. That I did not want her to leave, but that she had to go now, because her body was finished. I told her that Jesus was waiting, that her Aunt Mary, her Aunt Margaret, her grandmother, her step-dad, Don, and all her beloved pets (her fuzzy children) were awaiting her. That in the Light she would be young forever, with no more pain, no more suffering. That she needed to go, and not look back.
I sat by her side till 3:30am, but passed out. I woke and checked at around 4am, she was still breathing. I woke at around 5am, and she was pale and cold to the touch.
She was gone.
I’ve wept such tears and felt such pain that I’ve never known. A week later and I’m sitting here crying even now, and can’t stop wanting her to be here with me… I beg God every day to take me to be with her.
No, I’m not suicidal… Because that might separate me from her forever. But DAMN IT! I want to die. I want to be with her, to hold her, to just spend forever in her company – and here I am, waiting.
Sean’s here. He lives here, but he works so much. Head of maintenance, he oversees various properties, and is thriving. He comes home tired, dives into his games, or TV, and we don’t talk much… some, not much. I guess he’s coping his way.
I have written this, because she was a very unique and miraculous person. Our life together was not ordinary, it was a spiritual journey, a path of signs and wonders. We all saw and lived things that most people will never know.
I reach out for her, but she seems far away. The auto-writings, they don’t feel like her… Well, like her, but not – she’s changed into something totally different and does not mourn as I mourn, which hurts me in some way.
We slept together for 18 years, hardly a night apart. I can’t even sleep in our room anymore, but am sleeping on the floor in the living room.
She is no longer co-dependent. She’s free. By I’m still hooked and alone in the cave without my lamp.
The memorial is Saturday (17th). We built a swing, the Elahi Swing, months ago, like the one Julie would swing in with God. When I asked a long while ago what to do with all her things, she said, “Send them to me.”
(Matthew 18:18) So we burnt everything we could (loosed it), what cannot be burnt we’re putting in a time capsule under her swing (bound); the concrete we use to seal it with will be mingled with the ashes from that which was burned. Her family will all be here. I’ve been forced to make peace with them, and I’ve seen her death hit her sister and mother very hard – she was always there for them, and the loss has brought something akin to repentance I guess.
If you actually read all this, thank you… I don’t know if anyone ever will, but it seemed a story that needed to be told.