Excitement anticipation and shit, again!

I’m so excited for Monday…honestly, i can’t remember a time I’ve said that before.  Well if I have it’s been a very long time ..

 About three weeks ago myself and a friend decided we were going to work really hard to lose weight. We weigh every Friday, and the first week I’ve lost 3 pounds the second week I have lost 17, this week I’m down 25. That may seem like a lot but I’m not a small person. They have lost even more than me and you can definitely tell in our faces. What am I doing well and watching what I eat, I stepped up my activities probably three times as much , cut down my Soda intake, and I’m eating mostly good for me food. I think the big difference is that exercise that makes the world a difference if I completely cut out part I’d probably feel 100 times better and lose more I’m not quite ready to give up everythingyet lol.


My goal is 80 pounds total and that’s probably not enough still. But I wanna at least get down 50 by Christmas and that will be a when i gain some  of it  back of course.

I’ve had kind of a strange week my ex fiancé turned 48 this week, I went to see him for the first time in probably four months it was hard it brought back a lot of feelings. I’ve had some trials and tribulations with dirty J, but I’ve decided on my approach with him and pretty much everything in life.


 I’ve had kind of a strange week my ex fiancé turned 48 this week, I went to see him for the first time in probably four months it was hard it brought back a lot of feelings. I’ve had some trials and tribulations with dirty J, but I’ve decided on my approach with him and pretty much everything in life.  There is a strange connection between him and I and it’s always very thick that’s the only word I can use. 

It’s either stick with sarcasm and bullshit, thick with sexual tension, I thickwith we think we know each other so that we should judge each other, I don’t really judge him I just think he’s an asshole,But that’s still one of my favorite traits about him. Which sounds very strange but it’s not. And he’s never that way to my face which I don’t know if it’s because you let it all out when he’s not around me or us because I stress them out when he goes home. Or if he just has an alter ego I’ve never ever been able to figure that out.


I took a little bit of time today to write pros and cons about why I am attracted to him and if my life was to change drastically by probably wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore. Remember we have a common ground a couple of them and it one point we both wanted to make some serious life changes I’m been ready I don’t know why am procrastinating and I think he’s been ready but he scared…meh as am i.


Even after we hadn’t talked for…. I don’t know six weeks?  There are some things about him that are extremely charming, mesmerizing, comforting, kind, and admirable.

 One of the things I like about him is that he makes me feel OK he is similar to what I always have referred to home even without having touched him for several weeks now I just have a comfort around him I don’t have around anybody else. I’m able to kick up my feet and put them Out the window or the dash (  which I only can assume he does not like based on the fact that he is very clean and organize for the most part) He knows what music plays to my soul, We’re both very eclectic and our music appreciation that we both love it, where we both know that if we play hip-hop or rap usually work the guest were a bit we might be a little anxious it’s our comfort zone, and we both also like heavy-metal artist is little bit different however I appreciate everything he likes I don’t know for sure if he appreciates what I like, where intrigued by certain rappers specially the white boys lol.  He’s showed me new artists and I can truly appreciate his taste in his style of who he likes and why. It’s almost like we say only communicate through our music we take turns if were working at the house even if we’re not talking together listening to what we enjoy some days it’s tragic and some days it’s very sexually tension oriented. Honestly that’s how it feels. And I can almost understand his mood by what he is playing and how I should act react or talk. I don’t know if he sending subliminal messages or if I just understand him.  


 The other night we were working around over here I believe and on the way back because our friend had borrowed my car he played a song that I listen to you probably right out of high school and he’s one of those people that makes me feel that way. Like all these memories just came back to me like he was my high school sweetheart and we were just hanging out listening to a song. And he would’ve been somebody I would’ve dated back then. It’s almost euphoric at times. And I know I’m probably reading too much into it but that’s how my body feels and I was laughing and I was having a good time because I felt young again. He does that somehow it’s either a feeling of memory and comfortable…

The other thing is is there’s miscommunication  via text message and I don’t know if it’s good we don’t do well on the phone,  or if he just gets tell me the whole Nother person at times are used to think it was because he just is a different person now I think maybe we just don’t you get a phone like it’s hard to read your messages and I know I get on his nerves at times he gets on mine too but not nearly as much. I do come off the times bitchy, probably a little condescending, mostly sarcastic at times it’s probably hard to make me serious. It definitely was never my intent  to have  poor communication on the phone nobody wants to do them should be able to go with the flow like we do face-to-face .


Beginning when we start to talk to each other I think we went into it a little too fast a lot of things evolved quickly instead of working on having a good stable friendship we both were overwhelmed probably would desire and lust and we acted on it not physically but verbally. And I do believe the whole goal was to see if we can get along for a couple weeks not a touch each other   and see if we made proper changes.. mind you I met this man through the plug when I lived at the plugs house and he watch me go through the hardest point in my life ever and he stuck by it for the most part it was so challenging though. For both of us I wish I could change the timeframe of when I met him. And probably under the circumstances. 

So because we messed up the first couple weeks and I got overzealous because I just wanted to lay down with them I’m sexually attracted to  him and he’s an amazing lover. It’s always like our souls that you tell that is so strange I was probably a little pushy and so we didn’t have one heated argument and we trying for a couple weeks and not touching turned into you will let’s just go how it was before we started to see each other. The unfortunate thing about that is I didn’t even know dirty j  existef before we start to see each other.

 So even though he was repeat boyfriend benefits getting extra work at my house getting extra money here and there for a very sad me going out of my way to do nice things for him dirty J that I knew before we dated didn’t get shit for me and that I didn’t really talk to him he was an acquaintance and hang out  the plugs garage.


 So where do I stand now I took some of what he said to me and then I just asked a couple other situations and said back off D.

But I think in the end of everything this is still part of the test. I think I need to prove that I’m serious, I think I need to show him how loyal I am, I think I need to in a sense take care of them without showing him that I’m taking care of them and I need to just be cool. And I intend to be. I think this is gonna take me a while I had to gain trust back of somebody I pushed away 100 times show how much I really want him in my life is the person in the way am I going to have to be flexible, kinda do as I’m told and Back off when I know I feel that I’m a freak out or that I may say something I regret Yep. I absolutely have to learn to have some self-control and walk away when it’s not working for me because we say things we don’t mean. I’m slowly learning how he works and what he expects and how he would like to be treated and I’m hoping if I do it his way that it will benefit me. It’s not that we need to compromise more as they think overall that is amazing he also likes things a certain way. And if I want what I want I have to at least meet him in the mail. And that’s where I’m gonna start

So shit here we go again.. 

 I feel that good things do come to those who wait and I’m not gonna push him for very long I’m not going to be eager to cater for very long I’m hoping that he sees the results within a week or two and so do I I need to be more compromisable I need to give others their way I’m not always right and I do want this to work I enjoy his company even if we’re just quietly painting for hours I just enjoy him being around he’s smart he’s funny I wish he was here for me to make him breakfast again only time will tell. To be continued 

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