Contemplations 8-25-19

Went to the Oregon coast yesterday, with my brother-in-law, Sean, and our crippled little dog, Angel.   It was a long drive, as we went by a circuitous route, and we told lots of bawdy jokes and bantered a bit.  The ocean was beautiful, it was a perfect day, but hot.  Yet, something was missing.

Rode around a bit today, got some snacks at store, and here I am trying to play my little games and listen to music on the puter. Yet, something is missing.

There is a big Julie-shaped hole in my life, and I don’t know how to fill it.  How do I live? I am on disability, more than a little introverted.  I’ve little money.  I’m fat. I’ve got heart disease.  Almost 50 years old, and what do I have to show for it?  No kids, no deep connection to relatives (the closest relative is 2000+ miles away).  

I don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs… Never been arrested.  I’ve got my little house and a relatively new car – but I am paying the loans on both, and  I don’t even drive!  I just sit in this house day and night for the most part.

Everyday, dozens of times a day, I beg God for a heart attack, so I can go be with Julie. I was stupid enough to listen to this song (the link below), and now I’m crying again.

What to fuck is there to look forward to?  No kids! No family ties! No money! If I won the lottery tomorrow, what good would it do? I’d be without Julie. No other woman would ever be able to accept me and love me and be my best friend the way she was.  She was Julie! Who is like Julie?  She had that little face I so loved to just stare at.

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