Contemplation 8-26-19

Keep trying to autowrite, but I’m to tired out – not sleeping well.  Thought I was getting past it, but I keep having deep painful crying sessions.  I feel like a weakling, so unmanly, crying like that. But I miss her so much.

I miss the way we held hands all the time. I miss that she loved me to give her a cross kiss (forehead, cheeks, chin, eyes, nose, mouth) and sing “Special Angel” to her before she could go to sleep.  I miss buttsies when we would go to sleep (cheek to cheek lol).  I miss our long drives and our walks down at the reservoir.  

I miss that she accepted and loved me just as I am, flaws, weirdness, broken parts and all. 

We were addicted to each other.  In eighteen years, we spent a total of maybe 12 days apart, and even then we would talk twice each day on the phone.  

When she became bed-bound, I would sleep on the floor, but was only a few feet from her hospital-style bed, so I could watch her, and would check on her throughout the night, make sure she was okay (we were still together). During the day I would sit and hold her hand and give her hugs and her cross kiss, and just be there with her.

Now its been over two weeks since she died – and I am going through Julie withdrawal, and feel downright sick down into the core of my heart and guts. 

I don’t want to fucking be here anymore!!!!!!!!!! But if I commit suicide I might never see her again, and that is to big a risk. 

Funny thing happened.  Had the oil change done on her car a couple months ago, and the next oil change date was put on a sticker on the windshield.  When I was in the car, I looked up and the date of the Next Service, was the day she died.  It was literally “written.” 

Coincidence? 

Anyway, life’s sucking. 

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