Contemplation 9-3-2019

Thought I would be getting over it by now, learning to cope… But I’m alone 95% of the time. No nearby family, none that I’m close to anywhere. 

My brother-in-law is still here, but he’s working all the time, and almost seems cheerful the last week or so… Julie kept us grounded, she was sick awhile and our lives centered on her, and now he’s free.  He seems concerned only with his new job coming up next week (he’s happy like a school boy about it), and is almost obsessed with getting his name on the deed, as the Successor of Intent.

He believes, with my heart condition seemingly getting worse, that I will die soon, and I think he also fears I might take my own life.  I can only pray that he’s right about the heart condition – it gives me hope to think so.

We had no children.  The closest thing I ever had to a child was my dog Gabriel (Puppah) who died in November of last year.   Being on disability, an introvert, Julie was my best friend, and my companion… Rae is a part-time friend at best.

Thought I was starting to cope, but the tears keep coming everyday, whenever I see a picture or think about the big empty frigging hole in my life.  I ponder loving again, and realize that I only want Julia – not that anyone would ever want a fat fucking bumb, a fucking weirdo like me anyway. 

Julie liked me for me, but the chances of ever finding someone anything like her, is slim to none.  It’s not a world for loyalty, and how often is a spouse also your best friend?  It took allot of tears and emotional wrestling to get through 18 years of marriage, but we stuck it out. 

I feel this growing anger inside me. Pfft! Not anger, “rage!”  Bitterness.  An ache to just be dead, as it’s the only hope of reaching her and being with her again. 

Wondering, does she still love me? Has she already moved on? The Light sweeps away many of the cares of this world, and our loved ones drift on toward new destinies… Knowing the mysteries, does not make it easy to cope with her growing silence – that sweet voice within growing quieter and farther away.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! 

What to fuck!? 

I’m not the strong one.  I’ve never been that guy.  I’m the weak one, hiding from the world in my hermit cave; and then came a light, a soft golden glow of love personified… Now it’s gone!  She’s gone!  

I’m the stranger in the neighborhood: Don’t work… Don’t come out to often… So I’m treated odd by neighbors, they point and laugh with sinister tones at my house.  It’s summer OKAY – I have the windows open, and I’ve got excellent hearing… Wish I didn’t.

Julie put up with me, loved me as I am, did not judge me, drew me out into the sun, and talked with me… Let me put my head in her lap. 

Always had horrible nightmares, but with her, I would wake and reach out, and feeling her there, I could sleep.  Now I reach out, I call for her, and she’s not there.  It’s just me on a tiny mattress on the floor in the corner of the living room, because I can’t bear to even be near our bedroom at night – the memories, the loss of her presence there, makes it feel haunting.

God, please take me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please! Please! Please!  What to fuck have I got to live for, too look forward to?  We had each other, we had plans… Now there is nothing.  I trusted her – to never betray, never leave, never quit on me, and she did not fail me.  But she’s dead.  DEAD! DEAD! GONE TO FUCK AWAY!  I hate this.

I’m not getting better.   Nothing anyone says can help it, because it’s all cliché empty words, that can not change what I need fixed.   

Pray for me.  Pray that God will answer my prayer, and stop my heart.  I don’t want to die. I want to be with her in eternal life.  It is only the fear that I might be lost to darkness and never see her again, that keeps me from taking things into my own hands. 

NOTE TO GRAMMAR CRITIQUES:

I don’t care. I’m writing this for myself and making it public because some auto-writing/spirit told me to.  I’m sorry for my bad attitude. I pray you never have to understand first hand what it’s like.

 

One thought on “Contemplation 9-3-2019”

  1. What I have been doing to get my mind right when I have no one else around is listen to alot of Youtube. I have found “Subliminal messaging” for almost everything. Pop in some headphones and listen thats all. There is so much power in the mind.
    Sounds so cliche as you say but Trust me I didnt believe either.
    You say you and your wife had plans and that she left you and your strong enough. . TOUGH because YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH.
    The biggest part of love is loving yourself. Being content with yourself first and foremost.
    Maybe you need another pet to start?
    If you need to write to anyone I AM HERE FOR YOU. You are not alone.

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