It’s a scary place in my head sometimes. This last week though I’ve been lost in there quite a bit. More than normal actually. I finally did it. I finally sent one of my emails to the Knight since I can’t seem to be able to have the shit or get off the pot talk with him. Always something. Three years of mixed signals and feeling like I’m crazy has gone on long enough. A few years ago, I was family zoned, and ever since the mixed signals are simply crazy. Things like doing significant other stuff for him and not realizing it until it’s too late. Not telling me when he’s with someone. The two times I found out by stupid accident. One of those times I had taken him to dinner, and he answered the phone “hey babe” I didn’t know who was more insulted. Me or the waitress that was completely confused then looked at him like a tool. He didn’t even bother saying that he was out to dinner with a friend, a sister, or anything. It was like I wasn’t even there. That was pretty shady to me. While I was pretty pissed for myself, I couldn’t believe that. It wasn’t the first time something like that happened. It happened a few times. It’s confusing as hell. Then there are things that we can talk about that are things I consider what you would talk to a significant other about. There’s no matter how many times I’ve made times to go to where he is and made time for him to be there for him, hang out with him, or anything in general he has never once come to where I am. No matter how many times I’ve invited him up. He’s been critical of those that I have tried dating. Yet, he still somewhat is there when I need him. It’s almost like he doesn’t want me to date, but let’s face it if I don’t even know where I stand with him, do I just sit around waiting until he makes up his mind? I mean I get that I’m getting to where I’m just done with the whole thing. My history screams I am really bad the whole relationship thing and just say screw it. I can’t seem to get it right and honestly, I shouldn’t afflict anyone with that every again. I do keep trying though. Stupidly ironic. I think he and I would be great together if only I could get a straight answer.
If he’s trying to be like The Rock, he’s got a long way to go. That’s the thing about The Rock and I. We are honest with each other, the person we’re with, and everyone really. We’ve been asked multiple times why we haven’t and that’s another subject with multiple reasons to it. The short answer is we have discussed it and we both have our reasons. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. He’s never let me down like the Knight has at times. Yet, there is still some things that I don’t even tell him. There are some things that are what you would tell a significant other. The Rock and I are comfortable with things. That’s my brother and I’m not ashamed to say it. It seems though like with the Knight I’m a dirty little secret. I have met some of his friends but there’s some other things that leave me questioning. I shouldn’t be left feeling that way even if we were friends, siblings, etc.
I’m about to reach the point that I’m done with love. I hate saying it especially since I am trying to find it for those I care about. I’m coming to be comfortable with it’s not for me. The one person that I know would be perfect for me just wants to play games with my head. That’s no way to be. I’ve gotten tired of finding someone and they have someone. I’m tired of being ghosted. I’m tired of being used. I’m just tired of it all. I’m tired of thinking I’ve found it and it’s just an illusion. I haven’t had a response and I doubt that I’ll get one. That’s part of that. When I pour my heart out, I get no answer. I don’t understand why though. Wouldn’t it be easier to just say your mind? As I keep hearing in my head from the Lion, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and I’m being a stupid bitch. That I might as well settle for something like The Ogre and be grateful. I’m comfortable with me but sadly that me is not meant to have love. I’m not lonely. I have my kids. I have my friends. I have best friends. I have family. They are great but sometimes I think they see me as a failure because I can’t just get it right. I mean I get ghosted when I tell someone that I don’t put out. That seems to be a bad thing as well. They lose interest quick when I say that I don’t have sex until I’m in a relationship. I mean that’s gotten me in enough trouble when I have done it. So, it was something that changed with me. I just can’t seem to figure out what I do wrong. So, I guess it’s just better to throw in the towel and be done with it. As I’ve read before, no response IS a response. And I haven’t gotten one. I doubt I will either. Radio silence for a week or two. After acting like a jilted boyfriend because I happened to vent some of my frustration about some of the guys I had been talking to. Wouldn’t talk to me until I apologized and then I got the cold shoulder. So, he has a week. If I don’t hear anything by then I’m going to walk away and count it as another loss. It’s all I got left to keep my sanity. Guess it’s back to being stared at when I take myself out to dinner. Waking up to “battery charged. Unplug to save energy.” Going to work and watching shows. When I’m home listen to the quiet of the house. It’s crazy. All I do is work, be at home, run errands, enjoy my writing when I can, and occasionally take myself out to eat but I’m horrible person and possibly a horrible girlfriend. I never thought I would see the day, but here it is. At the end of the day, there’s only acceptance.