I actually thought I keep this journal entry kind of light and funny. Mostly because over the last couple months I’ve gotten to know when an ex of Dirtys..
With that being said he was with her on that for a very long time a long time to me is over three years I guess and he did try to tell us about her.. without completely annihilating her name or making himself look like he was an idiot he should’ve told us more.
I’ve come to the conclusion how I think J and I started to interact more than anything when I tried to overdose and that was in March. Like literally I had no place to go I feel like I have nobody on my side and push my friends away I’m slowly getting back to God I push my family away I was basically just abandoning everything that I cared about. So I took probably 30 Trazodone, swallow them all…I decided it was A great idea, to stake a video and send it to about three people.
1st my life knowing that he’s incapacitated he cannot drive he could not help me at times I felt like he was my only cheerleader left and I wasn’t always nice to him either.
2nd my only husband that I’ll probably ever have very much my ex I blame him for a lot of my happiness but I can’t blame anybody but myself because I continue to interact with him and he did exactly what I knew he would do nothing. And ironically I don’t know if it’s because I was stupid enough to videotape it I wasn’t looking percent of the hours basically saying goodbye I said nothing but sent a video I was really hoping that that would be my easy way out. .
3rd I still don’t even know why I did this I’m trying to go back to the timeframe of why I would’ve sent it to him except for that I think that the plug and j we’re actually hanging out but I don’t know for sure and I don’t think that I had been in a serious time with dirty J … so I don’t even know why I sent it to him however do you have a three I believe called 911 because to many people showed up at once and that would only make sense.
And although they couldn’t keep me more than a few days, it did help and I got my meds back on track and I got caught up on some sleep I called nobody while I was there I had no visitors and when I left I took a cab that the hospital paid for I could’ve called at least a handful if not two friends or family to come get me they would’ve dropped everything for me but that’s not how I work. See I have suicidal Ideation And a very few select people now and I don’t share it often because it’s so hard for people to wrap their head around.
There’s no medication you can take for it there’s no fix it, it’s just a lot of therapy and holding on to what you have. Most days for that certain diagnoses it feels like you have nothing you have a strong feeling in the world would be a better place without you but you don’t have any friends that your family your lovers your friends are all going to abandon you and treat you really really bad behind your back and honestly it’s not happening at all.
the reality is I’m never going to die by my hands. But, the thought of it the idea, and the reasoning makes sense to me. There’s a lot of things that my therapist has worked with me on to try to fix it but it’s not the medication a lot of meditating and just believing that you’re better than what you’re thinking and that’s hard mind over matter is big.
Back to you Dan I reached out to Damian dirty J and I first broke up because I thought that him and I were not doing well and that he was doing all the things that I say everybody does above she was probably the wrong ex-girlfriend the ass but we became friends mostly because I do find her intriguing she’s had an interesting life to say the least we have some common ground and she lacks female friends but I understand why now. How dirty J planter was a bit more like her reality is.
She is what he would referred to as a sack hoe, she is a known prostitute, in fact I know for a fact that she still is doing that I have not shared that with anybody and I will not that’s why I have my journal, she is very well has multiple personalities and ends quite frankly schizophrenic I’m not a doctor but I can tell by her actions or reactions and probably her life history has caused a great deal of distress. She is anything drug user and she drinks pretty much from sun up to sundown and I have no clue how he tolerated that. Except for I decided that he actually likes them crazy. It took me a long time to try to figure out why in the back of my head I think you like to see more vulnerable and assertive. He likes the codependency he likes to have the control so therefore even though I couldn’t tolerate it and I won’t it’s almost like it’s giving him a one up no way could she matches intelligence and I doubt the one between the two of us could either .
Now even though I have my own fair share of issues and I do I do go to therapy I go to treatment I take my medication some days are better than others and he has seen my level of crazy not necessarily directed towards him until the very end and then it was out of control I was scared to lose him I didn’t wanna be alone I became too codependent and he doesn’t like that he also needs his face like I do I need a lot of space. And now that I’m back in my own residence I have it they are times like now that I’m very very lonely and I want to fill a void only for a couple hours just have somebody to laugh with and joke with and have sex with and it goes away come morning I’ll get right back in the groove of things.
So even though it’s not even every night it does happen and sometimes not even sexually and I just want somebody to laugh and tell me about their day I think that’s normal for humans they want to interact they wanna share a common ground they want to have a bond with somebody special that they care about but I don’t even wanna have it every day couple times a week four times a month some of my relationships and taught me quite a bit and they hurt me forever. Therefore although I try everything twice never third time marriage was one and done for me it’s just a piece of paper
So our mutual friend Dane, Well let’s be clear it’s not so much his friend however sometimes I’m not sure she’s mine seem I’ve got to stay here a couple times with me but she always wanted to have a boyfriend with her and to me that’s not my friend my friend wants to spend time with me and I have a free place to stay she’s very codependent as well but I think hers is only on man she doesn’t have any female friends and I can tell for me it doesn’t matter what or who you are as long as I could have a healthy relationship to you and sometimes that’s hard my best friends both are in their big relationships have young kids they don’t go out much and I do stuff as a family back when I do stuff as a family they were single so it was hard. I don’t know what you think of this girl..
So I let her stay with me for a couple days recently and although I told J that I would not he’s shut me out again and she need a place to stay in so I don’t have a way to communicate with him so I went off my own judgments but God she’s messy and she never shuts up. And she was at the plugs house over the weekend I got an a huge fight with her boyfriend and through stuff so just like J had predicted that she was going to cause problems there, I feel like we don’t listen to him or trust him enough and we should. I know how strict he is or the things that he believes are to be right I have no clue how he done with her not at all I wish she would tell me because either he was a different person then and not as disciplined or something about it was amazing that I can’t see.
At the end of the day though we just can’t help who we love so what are you saw her without me when I seen her and her boyfriend she currently has see something different some people like that chaos some people just want to be calm. I found out since I’ve been at home all the things people claimed that they wanted me to change I’ve done for the most part I still have bad days but usually I walk away from a bad situation and start a new day and I apologize if I’m not right but on the only one that does that and so as times change for me and my life is changing and I am evolving because I want to for me and then go over all of the people that were in my life last six months .
And some that I’ve been there for 25 years I’ve helped with the wife and I just can’t do it anymore I don’t get it returned and I don’t do it to get it returned the people always say treat others how you wanna be treated well if I cook and I clean and I drive your significant other to work and I help you every single day and I get no help back that isn’t doing what you say that’s taking advantage of me.
I was hoping with J and I that he would see all my positive changes that I made and even though I still look like my opinion and my feelings to get hurt because again I’m a submissive not a doormat I don’t think that I am is what he wants either and I have not done all the things that were on his list that he didn’t want me to do however I think overall as much as I adore him and I want his life to be better at chapters probably close to I do wish she would finish the work he has at my house but I can’t force anybody to do something they don’t want you as I just got in trouble for something he did today not me but him and I don’t have a way to communicate With him at this very moment that’s his choice not mine I would stand by the stand that way forever because when he’s good he’s a very good he’s caring and loving and he’s approachable and I appreciate him more than appreciate any man in my life and I don’t know why. I believe in him fiercely and at times I think I love him even more fiercely. But he’s made himself untouchable.
And as much as I would love to chase and around in my old age I’m not going to that I never really have I have shown some admiration and love and loyalty and maybe acted out a couple times because I did not want to lose someone but I’m past that if nobody scared to lose me I’m not worried about losing them anymore they don’t see me as an asset in their lives and I could do something positive and that we bring out the best each other’s time for me to MoveOn I need to bring out the best in me for sure and if you don’t want me that’s OK I love me and that’s all that matters anymore and I just have to remind myself on my worst days when nobody’s loving me a little bit more I have to love me more.
and although I won’t publicly say what ends up happening probably between myself and 30 K I’m going to try to start a new journal after about a month I have a big project and I’m hoping a new job starting next week crossing my fingers and my toes he will be always a very very important part of my life and I’ll tell you what I will never ever forget him and if I saw him 20 years from now and he was doing well I would embrace him because he’s been a wonderful friend to me and done amazing things to make my life better even though I have appreciated it. I’m in assume there’s 100 typos because it’s very late at night and I’m not gonna fix them I might tomorrow. Sometimes when you close a book or chapter a new one opens and I’m hoping that’s gonna happen for me .
My biggest thing I need to work on is my personal health I relationship with my kids and my parents and whatever comes after them movie hopefully nothing but good I’ve had enough bad and my wife and some of it almost all that I caused by forgiving trying to forget and letting the same thing happen I’m not vicious cycle that I cannot get out of unless I shut that book it’s time or if J ever does read this I know that he has the link whether or not he side I hope he knows that everything I say and I wrote does come from the bottom my heart and it’s hard for me to express myself because I’m scared of rejection
I wish nothing but Positive and happiness going forward in his life I hope at some point he can break the cycle I know that it gets vicious for both of us. I hope he knows genuinely if he ever contact me I’d be there , No questions asked as he did it for me for what seems like eternity that was just a few months he put up with a lot of shit
And that if you ever can break is on cycle he’s one of the best catches out there is a smile just relax go with the flow Love fiercely .
we all deserve passion and laughter after is the best medicine and so good for the soul until then if anybody’s ever wondering what dirty J stands for look up dirty John in the urban dictionary and it stuck with him for several reasons.
over and out ✌️